Prince Charming and his Knight in Shining Armor
by Yami no Risu
Summary: A strange, strange little fairy tale parody taken from a plotbunny Dillon gave me. A bit of Seto-Jou shonen-ai.


Prince charming and his knight in shining armor

Written by Nani

Once upon a time there was a handsome prince named Katsuya he lived in a beautiful castle with his father the king, mother the queen and his beautiful sister Shizuka whom the villagers called serenity because of her beauty, grace and calm personality. 

The queen had noticed her daughter's development into a lovely young woman, and it worried her that the child was growing up so fast, and not yet wed. She was fifteen already, and it wouldn't be long before her marriageable years were behind her. 

In this vein of thought, came into the bedroom she shared with her husband and quite excitedly told him that their little girl had become a woman and that they had better decide what ceremony they were going to perform before she decided on a boy friend to marry.

The husband was shocked and rather ashamed to realize he'd missed so much, and started to discuss with his wife. 

He suggested a quest for something unattainable, but they couldn't think of a suitable item and, anyway, quests like that almost always resulted in winning the hand of some princess, and they really didn't need another one. 

They pondered offering her as a prize, but that would result in an inordinate number of contestants running around, and needing fed and housed. That just wouldn't do.

The young princess Anzu Tea had been kidnapped by an ogre just 2 years before down in Landover, so that was right out. 

Then the queen recalled that they lived almost right next door to a dark and mysterious cave in which a decrepit and near sighted dragon named Jito lived so it was decided that tomorrow she would be staked in front of the dragon's door. 

The next morning Katsuya's parents announced that because Shizuka was becoming a woman it was time to offer her to the dragon and some nice boy would come and rescue her. Katsuya thought his parents were off their rocker to leave poor little Shizuka out side at night so he formulated a plan to sneak from the castle in the dead of night to save his sister. 

Late that night, he gathered some spare clothes and a blanket, along with a small bag of cheese, fruit and bread, and slipped out the door. He was nervous, and very careful that he didn't call the attention of any servants. The road to Jito's cave was long and treacherous, despite his mother's thought that it was 'right next door', and hard to travel for a young man such as himself. The men who'd left Shizuka had left early, riding horses, and had only returned just before dark. Katsuya was alone, on foot, and afraid. 

As he walked, his mind wandered over the situation at hand. It worried him some, his sister was only 15 and they were performing the rituals of womanhood, expecting her to marry some brain-dead specimen of manliness with the ability to whack an aging lizard over the head with a big pointy metal stick. 

He sighed, wondering how long it would be before they sent him on some useless quest for the Lost Cactus fruits of Nebulai Oct or something, and marrying him off to some beautiful brainless shell. He was, after all, nearly eighteen, and they certainly wouldn't have their daughter married before their firstborn son. 

Looking up, he realized he was nearly there. He could see the stake they'd left her to, but when he approached, he found it empty! Someone had beaten him to the rescue, or the dragon had taken her already. As Katsuya stood over the empty ropes, near crying with confusion and frustration, Jito came out to collect the mail he had forgotten earlier. Or something. Jito rarely remembered why he went outside anymore. 

He heard something moving near his door, and sighed. The stupid villagers had left him another maiden. What in the name of Fudge McPumpernickle did they expect him to do with them? He was far too old to do the things the younger dragons would, questing and knight-eating and terrorizing villages, he just wanted to be left alone! The last two maidens he'd ended up presenting as a gift to some wandering vagrants, who in turn had left them in the care of what they referred to as some 'royal ugly dudes'. 

But they were always such pretty things, with fair, pale skin and delicate features and it would be cruel to leave a little maid outside on a night like this, she would freeze. Feeling almost fatherly, he scooped the quivering, sobbing little form up with his mail and took it inside, placing it gently near the fire. 

The cave was homey, for all it's 'dark, mysterious' qualities, and Jito himself was not unkind. He turned to speak gently to the maiden, reassuring her he meant no harm, but instead of the usual girly voice crying out in fear, he heard a strong voice, quivering a bit with fear but still steady, asking what he intended to do, and where was Serenity. 

Being an elderly and somewhat confused dragon, Jito replied that serenity could be found in Xanadu, but only the pure of heart could find the way. 

Katsuya called him a peculiar scaly jerk, and, still thinking Katsuya was a princess, Jito laughed at her nerve until he fell down. 

Katsuya, thinking the dragon was going to eat him, promptly fell unconscious, landing against Jito's shoulder. 

Deciding he liked the diminutive human, Jito went to locate that enchanted chest of drawers he had in the back room, and ponder what he would name the snuggly little thing. 

Once Katsuya awoke, and managed to get Jito's attention, he tried hard to make the dragon understand what he was looking for. 

He realized, after Jito told him he was glad to have some company that wasn't afraid of him, and that it had been such a log time since the last maidens, and they had been too frightened to talk to him, that perhaps Shizuka had escaped, or been rescued. Deciding that staying and keeping the dragon company was infinitely more attractive than returning to whatever manhood ceremony his parents would plan, he chose to stay. Though he didn't understand why Jito liked to give him dresses, calling him a 'pretty little thing'. 

A few weeks went by and the kingdom started to get worried. To avoid the scandal of having allowed both their children to be devoured by a dragon (for this is what they believed to have happened) the King and Queen had simply allowed the villagers to believe they were lost in the forest, 2 days ride to the other side of the kingdom from Jito's cave. They searched everywhere for the missing prince and princess but could not find them. Because they were looking the wrong bloody way. If they'd *checked* around Jito's cave, they would have found Katsuya, happily working and playing with the elderly dragon, though somewhat encumbered by corsets. The queen blamed the king so she divorced him and sued the pants off him they got so wrapped up in the legal proceedings and mud slinging that they forgot about their children. Which is really sad, but is the way things happen sometimes. 

While all this was happening Shizuka was getting ready for her wedding to Sir Mokuba, the young man who'd come along a bit after she'd been left, as he passed by looking for the  Lost Cactus Fruits of Nebulai Oct in an obscure manhood ritual. The 5 Advisors of the Kaiba Kingdom dared him to do it. Finding the lovely young woman tied to a tree, he'd instantly realized that she was much better than cactus fruits. After talking to her a bit, he'd decided  she was very nice, and convinced her that the rules of the ceremony were appeased, as she *had* been left for the dragon, and she *had* been rescued by a (now certified, as she happened to be sent out with a pocket of cactus fruits for breakfast) Manly Knight in Armor. There was no mention made of having to actually be *kidnapped* by a dragon. She agreed, and went home with him, where they had become good friends and decided to be married. They even had one of the advisors draw up an agreement so that it looked like a thoroughly boring marriage of convenience to secure the borders of like, Hammersmith or something. But as they drew up the wedding plans, the blissful couple discovered that they were lacking an important and traditional part of the wedding feast-  the Ceremonial Banana Cheese of Union, which was held in the Cave of Mildly Annoying Dankness, which was guarded by a large snake who would only be appeased by a properly evil peanut butter cookie which one had to acquire from the owners of a diseased weasel farm located a convenient 10 minute walk to the south. So she sent the hapless sir Seto on a quest so to speak. What he wouldn't do for his little brother.

Meanwhile Katsuya and Jito made friends, though Jito still suspected Katsuya of being a princess. Months went by and the people forgot about the prince and princess, in favor of the latest scandal about King Jonouchi and his low-level advisor.

One day a sparkly knight named Seto on a badly painted white pony named Bill arrived at the cave. They were on a quest to find perfect banana cheese, and stopped by Jito's cave to ask directions to the diseased weasel guardian's house. As he arrived he heard from within the sounds of screaming, and burst in to find a small blonde in a blue dress, screaming beneath an enormous yellow dragon.

Thinking that Katsuya was a damsel in distress Seto ran forward, ready to slay the dragon. How he planned to do this with a map and a water canteen we will happily never know, for on closer inspection he realized that the screaming damsel was in fact laughing and crying out for Jito to stop tickling. Set stood staring in confusion for a few minutes, and waited for them to be done. He attempted to explain his conundrum to the dragon, who misunderstood everything and presented him with a large and overripe melon, 3 badgers and Katsuya. Seto was confused, but took the gifts graciously and continued on his quest. Luckily, Katsuya knew the way to the diseased weasel farm and was willing to take him there, happy to finally get out of his dress, though Seto's clothes were a little snug, and a good bit too long. Seto found himself enjoying the odd company, and knowing it was his responsibility, per tradition,  to marry the former captive, pondered how to write up the appropriate legal documents.  Katsuya happily led him to the cheese he desired, locating the cookie, snake, and cave with the ease of a man who spent a great deal of time as an energetic child keeping out of the way of adult's business in the very area. Upon returning, Katsuya was very happy to be reunited with his sister, and glad to approve her union to Mokuba. Seto and Katsuya continued to grow close, and a few months later were also married, through a unique reworking of the law and certain lingual quirks which would only work for a Kaiba. So Seto married Katsuya and his dad sent $10 as a wedding present because the queen had everything else and the queen sent an adorable baby dragon named Kesoka to keep Jito company, because he quite missed his cuddly little human thing. Jito attended the wedding, under strict orders only to keep his glasses on to avoid squished minions and stuff , because neither of Katsuya's parents would be able to attend to give Katsuya away. Neither Seto nor Katsuya minded.

Unknown to the wedding party, two sinister figures watched from the shadows….

"I think it turned out quite well."

"Yes, yes. But did you have to make him so sparkly?"

"Of course. It's my signature."

"Is not, you stole it from Sion."

"Whatever. We have to get ready for tomorrow night."

"Why? What are we doing tomorrow night?"

"…I dunno. I forgot. Here, launch this root vegetable."

"I think that's a melon."

"it's a root vegetable if I say it is. Now launch it at Tea." 

The end


End file.
